Never Satisfied - hair edition

(I wrote this last night - and deleted it an hour later because I was afraid. But I just got a note from a friend on the west coast that read it in that hour, so I’m reposting it, despite the fear. Thanks Jaime.):

I need to take some time out to talk about something distressing. Men, navigate away. This may not interest you and will most likely annoy you.

Ok, so I’ve heard time & time again from other women that “My husband/boyfriend wants (or likes) me to have long hair.” And, usually these woman have long hair. I know that – in general – men like long hair. Sorry to any man being lumped into this long-hair loving category, but I’m going to step out on a blogging limb and say that most men like long hair (long hair = hair that is to the shoulder or below). I have my strong opinions about why this is but I can’t say too many revealing things all at once or you may think I’ve lost my blogging mind.

I have been “growing my hair out” for the past 15 months or so, and my hair is longer now that it’s been in about 4 years and I consider my now shoulder length hair to be “long.” You know, though, I’m saying right here for the record that this is definitely the longest my hair will ever be again. I just can’t stand it. It’s thick. It’s heavy. The ends are dry. It’s not curly. It’s not straight. It’s “wavy.” If I want it to look smooth and luxurious I have to spend 20 minutes with the blow dryer on HIGH and my hands literally get cramped from using the round brush to get it straight…. If I want it to stay curly for more than 4 hours I have to load it up with product, dry it (for just 10 minutes this time) but then I can’t even lay my head down on a pillow during the day lest my “curls” become mere frizzy waves. Or putting on a hat? Hair suicide. Anyone with curls or waves knows of this woe. Not to mention the amount of product required to get my amount of hair to behave is ridiculous.

And I’ve been battling about all of this in my mind for the last several weeks: Why am I going through this?? Why do I now have “long” hair, only to hate it most of the time — except for the days I spend the 20 minutes with the blow dryer on high — and I’ve concluded that I so badly desire to be attractive that I’m willing to put myself through hair distress! This is foolishness, I know, but isn’t it so easy to fall into this? Who the heck cares what Jodie McMullen’s hair looks like?? As if having smooth straight hair makes me more acceptable.

I know I’m not alone. It’s in our blood, us women. From the dawn of time we’ve been told by the world and our own flesh that we’re not good enough, and we women both love and hate this curse. For example, when I see women wearing stiletto heels or sucking in their stomach rolls, plucking thick eye brows, waxing, tanning, highlighting, eyelining, needing to feel needed & important, etc etc… Pheew. I’m not the only one who wants to look like something I’m not… I’m trying to cover up that I’m ordinary. I wake up looking pretty bad every morning and I go to extraordinary lengths to cover that up.

So my women friends, this so easily is my gospel — where I find life & acceptance. It’s always been a struggle, since I was a girl. Many many of my memories of myself as a teenager are connected to my efforts to look desirable to men. Straightening my then very-long hair, burning my skin to a crisp, wearing tight clothes, flirting… oh yes, I’m saying it, my friends. I want my hair to be a certain way so that I appear, in this case, to be more feminine. I have seen freedom & change in my life in wanting to be attractive to other men - but I still want to appear attractive to people in general, or to give off the impression that I am one of those girls that has good long hair…

But the truth for me is, I like short hair. I want to high-5 women that have short hair. But here I am, trying to hold on to some notion that I can again have long hair and like it…. I’m not saying that I must deny myself of all enjoyment in this area — because I do really enjoy the artistic/expressive side of make-up, hair and clothing. But I hope you get what I’m saying about it becoming more than enjoying it for what it is — just hair, make-up and clothing.

Jeff is so great. He is careful to let me do what I want with my hair — but in the end he wants me find freedom from the hair-hold, which for me means having hair that’s not luxurious in the way that might come to mind when you think “luxurious.” I really was hoping that after 30 I might get over some of my issues… like using appearance to find acceptance, but it’s just not happening. This ball & chain will follow me further, but I AM encouraged that Christ is working in my heart and has shown me this. It’s change - it’s progress. And as my husband preached today from the pulpit, I’m here to tell the story of what He’s doing in my life because this is how we make Christ known. May your week start off with freedom!